Female Sexual Pleasure and Satisfaction

Research has demonstrated that women do not reach orgasm during intercourse from vaginal thrusting alone – or, to put it more accurately, a very small minority able to do this.

By small minority, we mean around 10% of women – and the tragedy of this is that their sisters, the other 90%, are deprived of female sexual pleasure and satisfaction which they so richly deserve.

This is not an era in which gender equality has penetrated to the bedroom, it would seem, because on the whole men seem to be blithely unaware, or at least disinterested, in women’s sexual pleasure!

couple making love
Female sexual pleasure is vital for harmony within a relationship.

Now you may think these are harsh words, but the reality seems to be that men do not make much of an effort to pleasure their women in bed.

And what does “pleasure” really mean? First, it undoubtedly involves bringing a woman to orgasm, and probably involves bringing her to orgasm in the way she enjoys most. You can read about sexual exploration here.

Interestingly enough, a large proportion of women say that reaching orgasm during intercourse is not the main objective of sex for them – it’s more about connection, pleasure and intimacy.

On the face of it, this is a plausible claim but there’s an interesting twist here which I think we need to examine. Would women say the same thing if an orgasm during intercourse could be guaranteed for them?

In other words, if men were capable of bringing women to orgasm during lovemaking, would women then say that intercourse was simply a means of establishing intimacy and feelings of connection with their partner, or would they freely admit that the reason they engaged in intercourse is for the enjoyment of orgasm?

There’s no real way of knowing, because the statistics show that very few women do reach orgasm during intercourse. But let’s take a guess.

If you were a woman faced with the choice between “simply” experiencing intimacy, love, connection and the satisfaction of feeling your partner inside you, or the same things with an orgasm as well, what would you choose?

I think you can take my point, which is that women obviously would prefer to reach orgasm during intercourse if possible. And that inconveniently brings us on to the next question which is all about

Why women don’t reach orgasm during intercourse.

There are two main reasons. The first is that men are incapable of lasting long enough – in other words, most men’s stamina or endurance in bed is simply inadequate to bring a woman to orgasm. Men would have to last longer for this to come about.

Two points arise here, of course: first, it implies that if men could last longer in bed a woman would be able to reach orgasm.

The second point is that men ejaculate within four or five minutes on average, and a very large number ejaculate much sooner than that.

Set that against the contrasting fact that women, when asked, say that 10 to 13 minutes of intercourse is their ideal duration, and you see what problems there are in this difficult arena of sexual satisfaction!

Let’s look at the first point first.

Could women reach orgasm if men were capable of lasting longer during lovemaking? There seems to be no doubt at all that this is true.

A very large proportion of women enjoy G spot stimulation and can reach orgasm with it if a man uses a finger to stimulate the G spot – a situation where obviously there is no danger of him ejaculating and sex ending. (You must be aware of the dynamic between men and women which determines that sex usually comes to an end when the man has ejaculated.)

There are certainly a number of women whose G spot is not sensitized or does not respond to stimulation, but this is a phenomenon this been repeatedly emphasized in Tantric and sexual development workshops.

In other words, for a woman to be fully sexual expressive, it may be that her G spot needs to be sensitized, or if you prefer, “opened up” to the power of sexual stimulation.

As this is a completely different subject to the one that we are talking about here, I’m just going to give you a quick link where you can go away and look at it if you are interested in finding out more about this. 

So the second point is that the length of intercourse which we average in this country is so much shorter than women actually want to experience – and bear in mind, that figure of 10 to 13 minutes of intercourse which is defined by women as their “ideal” length of intercourse, isn’t even taking into account the possibility of reaching orgasm!

A couple connected, making love, enjoying great sex - what more could you want?
A couple connected, making love, enjoying great sex – what more could you want?

From work in various centres and forums with men and women in couple relationships, I’ve established some simple facts:

  • Most men ejaculate within five minutes, most women require ten minutes of intercourse to feel emotionally satisfied.
  • Most women require 15 minutes of intercourse without the man ejaculating to be able to reach orgasm through thrusting.
  • In addition most women require around 20 minutes of foreplay to be sufficiently aroused to enable them to reach orgasm during intercourse.
  • Sadly, the average duration of foreplay in most couples is be between five and 10 minutes.

From all of this you’re going to see very clearly the discrepancies and difficulties that men and women face in relationship – and make no bones about it, this is no small thing.

The very foundation of every male-female relationship is sexuality – whether it’s implicit or explicit.

It is sexuality that keeps a couple together; it’s sexuality that gives the pleasure of orgasms to the woman. Although you know women masturbate, what you may not know is that it’s much less common for a woman in a  relationship to masturbate than it is for a man.

The benefits of orgasm spread through a relationship in every way, in terms of an increased sense of love and connection, increased harmony, and a much greater sense of cooperation as a couple.

And as you may well imagine, if a couple are also raising children, then this mutuality is far more important than it is generally given credit for.

A good sex life is the foundation of great relationship, and if you look at the statistics for how many people say they have a great sex life, well it’s not really very impressive.

In terms of reaching sexual satisfaction, there’s only one answer to this dilemma: and that is for the man to pleasure the woman before he himself has an orgasm – as mentioned already, that’s generally the end of sex! – and to ensure that his partner is really pleasured in a way that she enjoys.

Only when men are sufficiently enlightened to put their partner’s sexual needs before their own, which includes putting their partner’s real sexual needs for orgasm before their own desire to bring a woman to orgasm (an aspiration which often evaporates in the reality of the sexual cauldron), will the dynamic between the two partners in a sexual relationship begin to change.

Feeling Isolated? Try Texting Your relationship Partner

happy-ccouple-dreamstimefree-216552So one of the exciting things that I can offer you is a formula for repairing a relationship that looks like it’s in difficulties. Believe it or not, it uses text messages to repair or reinforce your relationship! (That’s why it’s called text your ex back !)

The interesting thing is that this is also a formula for improving a relationship which isn’t in difficulties! This is because the same qualities which will bring people back together in reconciliation are the same qualities which help to ensure a relationship works smoothly and harmoniously at any time.

So what, you may be asking, are those qualities? Well, essentially they are the building of intimacy through non-threatening & non-violent language language, through sensitivity to another person’s needs and wishes and desires, and more than anything else, perhaps, they are a willingness to open your heart and trust.

dating-dreamstimefree-95638Now of course one of the big issues most people in relationships is managing to trust others especially if they feel they have been let down repeatedly, a situation which is very likely to induce a lack of trust and an unwillingness to fully engage with another person in relationship.

Yet really, the only way that a relationship can fully succeed is when people open up to each other with the willingness to be vulnerable. Ensuring that you can do this without feeling wounded by any breach of trust — which is inevitable in any relationship, of any nature, between two human beings — depends on how much work you’ve done on your own emotional wounds.

It follows that if you haven’t done much therapy, or counselling, or group work, or shadow work, then you will inevitably find that difficulties arise during the course of your interactions with other people.

So if you’re not going to enter into a process of formal counselling or therapy, then you need some other sort of alternative which can assist you in building good relationships and building intimacy with another person. Fortunately, the Internet, as always, is at hand!

One of the people on the Internet who I have come to respect greatly for the time and effort that he’s put into building self-help programs for establishing intimacy with in relationships is a gentleman called Mike Fiore. He is responsible for writing Text Your Ex Back, a relationship advice program designed to restore trust intimacy and harmony.

How does it work? Well, the essence of this is that you can communicate more easily, in a more adult way (in the meaning of transactional analysis ), if you are working over a dispassionate form of link such as text messaging. By sending a carefully structures series of text messages, you will be able to communicate your true meaning, devoid of emotional misunderstandings that can interfere with the communication of your true love and affection.

I’m sure you can see how powerful a system of communication this could potentially be, giving you the opportunity to communicate with your partner in a way that avoids any misunderstandings and conflict that you may have experienced previously.

Certainly a lot of people have reported to me that Text Your Ex Back is a program that has enabled them to establish intimacy and reconnect after a breakup, and others have told me that it served a magnificent function in restoring excitement, honesty, and trust to their existing relationship.

Sexual Loving Relationships

So many women tend to drive men crazy with their need for attention! Men complain all the time about why women need so much attention! And yet the truth of the matter is that what women want is actually quality time, and when men give women quality time, it will really help the relationship in all ways.

The fact is of course that women want attention because they’re afraid of losing men, they’re afraid of men’s interest waning. So that’s why constant small connections are so important for women; her fear of him leaving can be equivalent to a man’s fear of losing his job.

For a woman, her man may be her achievement, and if you leave, her life may seem lost. And while women may accept that in theory a man can’t be a woman’s whole life, she certainly wants him to make her his top priority!

So an interesting question for men is why they are with a woman, if they don’t want to spend quality time with her. It is about getting sex, cooking, cleaning and having household chores done?

A relationship needs to be much deeper than this is for both partners to feel satisfaction. And there are plenty of simple ways in which a couple can connect and feel that they are working together towards harmony and expression of mutual love. So for example, when a man works long hours out of a sense of responsibility of being the provider, he can kill a relationship just because he’s not actually paying much attention to his partner.

And the truth is, I’ve met many many men who think that work is much more important than their partner! That’s a sad fact, about male psychology, and while it’s unfair for a woman to expect a man to put everything aside, certainly compromise is necessary.

Boundaries around what he needs to do to make himself feel happy about the amount of work and his achievements may be balanced with the need to show a woman that he loves her, that he cherishes her, and that he wants to spend time with her.

And because women are so used to not getting their needs met, it’s often easy for them to say things like: “You don’t need to be there when I get back from my trip.” Because they don’t really mean things like that, a man who takes this kind of thing at face value and is not present when a woman came back from a long trip, will find the results will probably be disastrous for all concerned!

And I suspect the truth is that deep down most men know this, and they use a lot of justification of their own behaviour even when they know fundamentally that it is unacceptable in the face of a woman’s feelings.

One of the interesting things about women of course is that they “crash”, emotionally, without constant reassurance. Men don’t understand this, because they think that one reassuring word, a few reassuring hugs, will satisfy a woman’s insecurity. The truth is, of course, nothing like this in reality: women are not brought up to feel confident or secure about themselves.

In general they are not brought up to have good self-esteem, they’re not brought up to feel unconditional self approval. Low self-esteem is an epidemic among society at large, but it’s certainly an even bigger epidemic amongst women.

For example, very few women are completely happy with their looks. Very few women are happy with their weight, their attractiveness, their confidence…. you name it, women are not content with themselves and need constant reassurance from their man.

Video – women and weight loss

Again, this might be genetically determined, it’s so widespread. And no, of course that doesn’t really make sense. But constantly asking for reassurance is one way in which a woman can keep her self-esteem higher than it otherwise would be. And while they reach out for reassurance, a sense of self-esteem, shame or doubt will prevent them believing the honest answers that many men give them.

And here we have a fundamental example of the difference between men and women. Women will just ask for reassurance: “does my behind look big in this?” And men will say “no”. But what a woman wants is a bigger description, one that means something to her emotional nature. She doesn’t want to be patronised, and she wants to hear her man use nice words to explain what he feels, and to say what he likes.

The unspoken message coming across here from a woman is something like “if you really loved me …” but the catch for the man is that he could never possibly know what the end of that sentence is, he can never really know what a woman truly wants him to say!

Women need to be clearer about communicating their needs, for although building self-esteem is a long process, it’s something that men need to be aware of and ready to join in for the long haul.

Sex and Relationships

Sex and Relationships

cute-love-smallIt’s very necessary for a man to help a woman relax about her body, not just during sex, but at all times. He needs to constantly reassure her, and if, say, he finds her unattractive because she’s put on weight, he needs to find a way to work with her to ensure that she is not undermined psychologically. Telling her that she needs to lose weight, and nagging her to lose weight, will only destroy her confidence about herself and cause bad feelings that might even make her want to eat more!

And so on the ground like this, the tenuous connection that exists in relationship between people, and the possibility of causing wounds at every step, means that making a relationship work is challenging.

When a man treats a woman as though he thinks highly of her, the chances are that she will in fact then actually tend to live up to his expectations. Conversely of course, if he treats her in a way that suggests that he’s focusing on shortcomings, it’s likely that she’s going to become better at living up to those negative expectations.

There are plenty of theories about the genetic make-up of men and women being different, but it’s probable that women are more emotional because they are conditioned to use emotions in childhood to get what they want.

While boys are not rewarded for being emotional, girls often are: if a girl cries she tends to get either approval or a cookie. If a boy cries he gets rejection — take it like a man, his parents might say.

So why can’t we, men and women alike, break the habit of using emotions to get what we want? It’s actually very hard to stop lifelong programs: tough little boys grow up into self-sufficient and unemotional men. Little whining girls grow up into emotional, whining women. And while we know well that neither of these patterns works for either men or women, none of us seem to know what to do about it.

Video – establishing intimacy

But the truth is of course that if we do psychological work on ourselves about our relationships, and in particular our sexual relationships, we can soon discover where these emotions come from.

Shadow work is a good way to deal with problems like this, and why men can have action oriented outlets like anger, breaking things, punching a wall, yelling and screaming and shouting, these responses are considered unladylike and unsuitable for women. That’s why women often tend to cry rather than get angry.

And yet none of this needs to be a double bind of the sexes, a situation in which we find we can’t escape from that genetic inheritance we have all been given in our upbringing – instead we need to do is find a way to become more emotionally intelligent.

For men, the big deal about keeping feelings “in” is that they don’t want to see their emotional problems, and they certainly don’t want to discuss their baggage. They just want to get on and do things. And even when men know they’ve been hurt and talk openly about it, they’ll still claim they are “all right” about the emotional problems are not affecting them.

Women talk with their friends about their emotions, and about their wounds, they then share their emotions and they cry, and so this helps release the emotional pressure on them. But men, who keep their emotions to themselves, find that they surface in unexpected ways — anger being the most obvious. It causes loss of temper, it causes explosions, causes fury, and those explosions damage men women and children alike.

The refusal to express things that are bothering you, as a man, will ensure that you invoke stress in your body. You could talk about problems with a male support group of people that you trust, or you could go and see a therapist.

This will help negatives to go away, and they certainly won’t go away on their own. The point being that past pain affects what you do and what you feel in the here and now — in a very negative way. Bad feelings affect your judgement, they make you unreliable and unsafe to be around, as far as a woman is concerned.

And “your” woman may want to play therapist, but that is inappropriate: she’s not your therapist, she is a relationship partner. The people who need to be supporting you in your wounds are your friends, your therapist, and your male support group if you have one.

Fear is another negative emotion, an emotion that very often makes people try and control the world around them. And although it can be talked away, as a logical process, men are deeply in the grip of fears that they may not even be conscious about. Fear of losing their jobs, fear of not being valued, or worthwhile, fear of being irrelevant or inappropriate in a society that is becoming more and more feminized, and where men individually have so much less influence over their own lives and society around them. A society, where, in short, men are disempowered.

Relationships – Can’t Live With ‘em, Can’t Live Without ‘em!

One of the important things that men and women really need to get to grips with is communication about sex.
For one thing when was the last time you reassured your female partner about her attractiveness in bed?
The truth of the matter is that men are insensitive to women’s needs when it comes to sex, and very often women don’t express their needs in a way that men can respond to.

For example, men should really appreciate any effort that a woman makes to be sexy, because she’s actually trying hard to accommodate her man’s needs, as she see them — even if these in fact are not what he actually needs!

But the man who puts a woman down when she’s trying to make herself attractive is a jerk and being foolish. Women see a big difference between having sex and making love; they also see a difference between sex and romance. And they certainly see a difference between horniness and passion.

They attach emotion and meaning to sex: much beyond physical gratification — they want intimacy, tenderness, soft words, attention, and the feeling that they mean something to the man who is making love to them.

And of course while men want these things as well, the fact is that what they want mostly, perhaps more than anything else, is physical relief from the sexual tension they experience.

Women make me patronising remarks like men are “entitled to their sexuality”.

The reality of course is slightly different;  patronising observations like “men think with the wrong head” don’t even begin to encompass the lack of understanding that women have about the sex drive and its intensity in men.

Is it wrong for men to give women the romantic trappings that they want just so that they’ll have sex?

No! Of course not – it’s actually quite natural, it’s part of the seductive chase that men find incredibly rewarding and exciting.

And I suspect that matter the women find it incredibly exciting and rewarding as well, but they just need to know with greater certainty that men are feeling attracted to them in a way that goes beyond physical release.

What about the question of having an orgasm? Well there’s nothing wrong with expecting a woman to have an orgasm, and indeed wanting her to have an orgasm, and there’s certainly nothing wrong with trying hard to make sure that a woman does have an orgasm.

However asking a woman if she’s had an orgasm is a definite no-no, because it’s a double bind for a woman.

If she says no, then the man’s ego is destroyed, and if she says yes, when she hasn’t had one, she’s introducing an element of distrust and insincerity into the relationship.

So never ask a woman if she’s had an orgasm, even if you want to work hard to give fer one. Find out how you can tell!

Knowing how to make a woman climax is vitally important, there’s no doubt about that, but doing so must be done with sensitivity and care.

Much of a woman’s ability to reach orgasm, to come, is in her head, and although being turned on mentally will enhance her ability to come physically, the fact of the matter is that she’ll need to be prepared with foreplay.

And anything that interferes with her transition into an orgasmic state will certainly be upsetting for her. So enquiring about how she’s doing just before she comes can instantly take her orgasm away from her.

And the worst orgasm inhibitor for many women is asking her if she’s almost there — what you want, a progress report?

The truth of the matter is that men need to understand how women come, and they need to be sensitive to the fact that it’s a very different process in most women to the process for men.

So stop focusing on just giving a woman an orgasm: slow down so that she can focus on every sensitive nuance of the experience she’s having before she even gets to orgasm.

And don’t forget, when you ask her if she’s come, she may well think that your inquiry is not about her welfare, but about your pleasure and satisfaction in knowing that you were able to make her orgasm.

That’s not terribly considerate or romantic for a woman, and it’s certainly not a great idea for a man to put his ego before his woman’s sexual satisfaction!

In other words, consideration for the other person’s needs is paramount in any relationship, regardless of whether or not you understand where they come form or why they have arisen.

You simply are in no position to make judgments about your partner because you haven’t lived their experience….

Harmony is established through tolerance and mutual respect, which can only flourish in an environment of acceptance and love.

Video – men and woman and relationships