Research has demonstrated that women do not reach orgasm during intercourse from vaginal thrusting alone – or, to put it more accurately, a very small minority able to do this.
By small minority, we mean around 10% of women – and the tragedy of this is that their sisters, the other 90%, are deprived of female sexual pleasure and satisfaction which they so richly deserve.
This is not an era in which gender equality has penetrated to the bedroom, it would seem, because on the whole men seem to be blithely unaware, or at least disinterested, in women’s sexual pleasure!
Now you may think these are harsh words, but the reality seems to be that men do not make much of an effort to pleasure their women in bed.
And what does “pleasure” really mean? First, it undoubtedly involves bringing a woman to orgasm, and probably involves bringing her to orgasm in the way she enjoys most. You can read about sexual exploration here.
Interestingly enough, a large proportion of women say that reaching orgasm during intercourse is not the main objective of sex for them – it’s more about connection, pleasure and intimacy.
On the face of it, this is a plausible claim but there’s an interesting twist here which I think we need to examine. Would women say the same thing if an orgasm during intercourse could be guaranteed for them?
In other words, if men were capable of bringing women to orgasm during lovemaking, would women then say that intercourse was simply a means of establishing intimacy and feelings of connection with their partner, or would they freely admit that the reason they engaged in intercourse is for the enjoyment of orgasm?
There’s no real way of knowing, because the statistics show that very few women do reach orgasm during intercourse. But let’s take a guess.
If you were a woman faced with the choice between “simply” experiencing intimacy, love, connection and the satisfaction of feeling your partner inside you, or the same things with an orgasm as well, what would you choose?
I think you can take my point, which is that women obviously would prefer to reach orgasm during intercourse if possible. And that inconveniently brings us on to the next question which is all about
Why women don’t reach orgasm during intercourse.
There are two main reasons. The first is that men are incapable of lasting long enough – in other words, most men’s stamina or endurance in bed is simply inadequate to bring a woman to orgasm. Men would have to last longer for this to come about.
Two points arise here, of course: first, it implies that if men could last longer in bed a woman would be able to reach orgasm.
The second point is that men ejaculate within four or five minutes on average, and a very large number ejaculate much sooner than that.
Set that against the contrasting fact that women, when asked, say that 10 to 13 minutes of intercourse is their ideal duration, and you see what problems there are in this difficult arena of sexual satisfaction!
Let’s look at the first point first.
Could women reach orgasm if men were capable of lasting longer during lovemaking? There seems to be no doubt at all that this is true.
A very large proportion of women enjoy G spot stimulation and can reach orgasm with it if a man uses a finger to stimulate the G spot – a situation where obviously there is no danger of him ejaculating and sex ending. (You must be aware of the dynamic between men and women which determines that sex usually comes to an end when the man has ejaculated.)
There are certainly a number of women whose G spot is not sensitized or does not respond to stimulation, but this is a phenomenon this been repeatedly emphasized in Tantric and sexual development workshops.
In other words, for a woman to be fully sexual expressive, it may be that her G spot needs to be sensitized, or if you prefer, “opened up” to the power of sexual stimulation.
As this is a completely different subject to the one that we are talking about here, I’m just going to give you a quick link where you can go away and look at it if you are interested in finding out more about this.
So the second point is that the length of intercourse which we average in this country is so much shorter than women actually want to experience – and bear in mind, that figure of 10 to 13 minutes of intercourse which is defined by women as their “ideal” length of intercourse, isn’t even taking into account the possibility of reaching orgasm!
From work in various centres and forums with men and women in couple relationships, I’ve established some simple facts:
- Most men ejaculate within five minutes, most women require ten minutes of intercourse to feel emotionally satisfied.
- Most women require 15 minutes of intercourse without the man ejaculating to be able to reach orgasm through thrusting.
- In addition most women require around 20 minutes of foreplay to be sufficiently aroused to enable them to reach orgasm during intercourse.
- Sadly, the average duration of foreplay in most couples is be between five and 10 minutes.
From all of this you’re going to see very clearly the discrepancies and difficulties that men and women face in relationship – and make no bones about it, this is no small thing.
The very foundation of every male-female relationship is sexuality – whether it’s implicit or explicit.
It is sexuality that keeps a couple together; it’s sexuality that gives the pleasure of orgasms to the woman. Although you know women masturbate, what you may not know is that it’s much less common for a woman in a relationship to masturbate than it is for a man.
The benefits of orgasm spread through a relationship in every way, in terms of an increased sense of love and connection, increased harmony, and a much greater sense of cooperation as a couple.
And as you may well imagine, if a couple are also raising children, then this mutuality is far more important than it is generally given credit for.
A good sex life is the foundation of great relationship, and if you look at the statistics for how many people say they have a great sex life, well it’s not really very impressive.
In terms of reaching sexual satisfaction, there’s only one answer to this dilemma: and that is for the man to pleasure the woman before he himself has an orgasm – as mentioned already, that’s generally the end of sex! – and to ensure that his partner is really pleasured in a way that she enjoys.
Only when men are sufficiently enlightened to put their partner’s sexual needs before their own, which includes putting their partner’s real sexual needs for orgasm before their own desire to bring a woman to orgasm (an aspiration which often evaporates in the reality of the sexual cauldron), will the dynamic between the two partners in a sexual relationship begin to change.