So many women tend to drive men crazy with their need for attention! Men complain all the time about why women need so much attention! And yet the truth of the matter is that what women want is actually quality time, and when men give women quality time, it will really help the relationship in all ways.
The fact is of course that women want attention because they’re afraid of losing men, they’re afraid of men’s interest waning. So that’s why constant small connections are so important for women; her fear of him leaving can be equivalent to a man’s fear of losing his job.
For a woman, her man may be her achievement, and if you leave, her life may seem lost. And while women may accept that in theory a man can’t be a woman’s whole life, she certainly wants him to make her his top priority!
So an interesting question for men is why they are with a woman, if they don’t want to spend quality time with her. It is about getting sex, cooking, cleaning and having household chores done?
A relationship needs to be much deeper than this is for both partners to feel satisfaction. And there are plenty of simple ways in which a couple can connect and feel that they are working together towards harmony and expression of mutual love. So for example, when a man works long hours out of a sense of responsibility of being the provider, he can kill a relationship just because he’s not actually paying much attention to his partner.
And the truth is, I’ve met many many men who think that work is much more important than their partner! That’s a sad fact, about male psychology, and while it’s unfair for a woman to expect a man to put everything aside, certainly compromise is necessary.
Boundaries around what he needs to do to make himself feel happy about the amount of work and his achievements may be balanced with the need to show a woman that he loves her, that he cherishes her, and that he wants to spend time with her.
And because women are so used to not getting their needs met, it’s often easy for them to say things like: “You don’t need to be there when I get back from my trip.” Because they don’t really mean things like that, a man who takes this kind of thing at face value and is not present when a woman came back from a long trip, will find the results will probably be disastrous for all concerned!
And I suspect the truth is that deep down most men know this, and they use a lot of justification of their own behaviour even when they know fundamentally that it is unacceptable in the face of a woman’s feelings.
One of the interesting things about women of course is that they “crash”, emotionally, without constant reassurance. Men don’t understand this, because they think that one reassuring word, a few reassuring hugs, will satisfy a woman’s insecurity. The truth is, of course, nothing like this in reality: women are not brought up to feel confident or secure about themselves.
In general they are not brought up to have good self-esteem, they’re not brought up to feel unconditional self approval. Low self-esteem is an epidemic among society at large, but it’s certainly an even bigger epidemic amongst women.
For example, very few women are completely happy with their looks. Very few women are happy with their weight, their attractiveness, their confidence…. you name it, women are not content with themselves and need constant reassurance from their man.
Again, this might be genetically determined, it’s so widespread. And no, of course that doesn’t really make sense. But constantly asking for reassurance is one way in which a woman can keep her self-esteem higher than it otherwise would be. And while they reach out for reassurance, a sense of self-esteem, shame or doubt will prevent them believing the honest answers that many men give them.
And here we have a fundamental example of the difference between men and women. Women will just ask for reassurance: “does my behind look big in this?” And men will say “no”. But what a woman wants is a bigger description, one that means something to her emotional nature. She doesn’t want to be patronised, and she wants to hear her man use nice words to explain what he feels, and to say what he likes.
The unspoken message coming across here from a woman is something like “if you really loved me …” but the catch for the man is that he could never possibly know what the end of that sentence is, he can never really know what a woman truly wants him to say!
Women need to be clearer about communicating their needs, for although building self-esteem is a long process, it’s something that men need to be aware of and ready to join in for the long haul.